So, today I had a fabulous idea...I had the lunch hour all to myself (Chris had a lunch date with his friend Jon) so I dug out my old journals starting back in 6th grade. One journal covered 6th grade through part of 7th, and the other one goes from there sporatically through to my freshman year.
My thought behind reading these journals is that it will take me back...back to being young...back into the mind of a pre-teen. Shed a little light on where Aspen is in her life right now. She's ten right now, and my journal starts when I was 12. But that's close enough. Close enough to have gleened a few things...
1). Friendships were all-important...I had a group of friends, and one day I'd be B/B/F/F with one girl, and then the next day it would be a different girl. I rated everything...B/B/F/F, B/F/F, etc. And that rating was constantly changing. We girls were always arguing or having fights, and that would change everything. This is helpful to remember...because Aspen is at the age where girls are MEAN. Where no one is loyal to anyone. Where girls turn on each other in an instant.
2). As often as my rating of best friends changed, so too did the boys that I liked. Every few pages in the journal would list a different boy's name. And of course, there was never any talking with any of these boys...it was just me being silly within myself, saying, ok, today I'm going to like this person! Today I think this person is cute! And then I would get upset when one of my friends would like that person too, so I'd change to someone else...This is helpful to remember because I'm sure that Aspen will go through something similar. She's liked the same boy for years, but she never really talks to him. We girls are so silly like this, but I suppose it's part of the process we all go through.
3). Being liked was so important...I was sad when everyone didn't like me. When there was one person mad at me, it brought me all down. When I felt all was right with everyone, I felt "light". I thought that I was ugly and that no one thought I was pretty. I was worried about people thinking I was stuck up. This is helpful to remember because I'm sure as Aspen is slowly becoming her own person, she will have her own fears about being liked. About feeling pretty. Girls are so hard on themselves, and confidence is such a fleeting thing.
4). The big events in life were often added as afterthoughts in these pages...tucked away in the bottom corner of pages, I discovered tidbits like, "My great-grandmother passed away"..."My mom is preganant". So flippant. So 1-dimensional, so immature. Almost like none of this stuff really touched me in my daily life of being 12. This really made me so so sad. At what point does a person step outside of their own life story to start caring about the things that happen to those people that they love? This is helpful to remember because I really see this in Aspen right now. The things that go on around her only skim the surface of her life. She is in Aspenland, and everything else barely touches her. Things that really affect the people in her life aren't really given any thought. It's not that she doesn't care. I guess it really is just the inability of a ten year old brain to fully grasp the whole meaning of it all.
3). My poor relationship with Pat was a hot topic through these years...my good relationship with him didn't start until I went away to college; before that, he ruled with an iron fist and every other page in my journal said something about hating Pat. Because he was too hard on me. Because he expected me to be perfect. Because he nitpicked me for every little thing. Because I could do nothing right. This is helpful to remember because as it is right now, I wouldn't be surprised if Aspen had similar things in her diaries about me. And if she isn't writing in diaries, then similar thoughts in her head. Because I'm going to be 100% honest here, with myself. I have become Pat. I am treating Aspen like Pat used to treat me. I am too hard on her. I expect her to be perfect. I nitpick her for everything. I treat her like she can do nothing right. With such a loving, affectionate mother, I'm not sure why my subconscious has chosen to take on the qualities of a hard, stern step-parent. Completely sad. I loathe this.
2 comments:
Interesting post! I sadly didn't keep a journal growing up. I wish now that I had. From the sounds of what you wrote about, Kelsey is going through just about all of the stages you recorded at 12.
And I am much like it sounds like Pat was. I am very hard on Kelsey. I always seem to point out the negatives to her and don't praise her enough on the good. I have really been working towards changing this. This is a tough one!
I don't really have anything like that anymore, at least not anything that has survived through the years. I think it was a great idea for you to do that to give you some reminders about how it is to be that age, to help you relate a little more with Aspen.
You've mentioned being too hard on her before. I think the fact you recognize that means alot. It's really easy to forget what it's like to be that young and how much maturing is left to do. I'm really afraid I'll be a parent who's very critical when Ashleigh (and Abby) get older.
Just don't forget that most kids have trouble because they DON"T receive any criticism. They end up thinking they are wonderful and perfect and the world owes them. You certainly don't want a child like that...
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