god challenges you

To begin this post about the book Love & War by John and Stasi Elderedge, I want to share a handful of bullet points from the text first...

: We all have a way that we DO life...the way we handle pressure, the way we listen, the way we look for happiness, the way we control our world. It is our style of relating. We have carefully crafted this approach to life that works for us alone. It is born out of our brokenness and sin and past, and it is the number one thing that gets in the way of real love and real companionship. The number one thing that gets in the way IS your way. Your way of going about life.

:: We are each utterly committed to our style of approaching life. We have no intention of giving it up, not even for love. So God created an environment where we have to. It's called marriage.

:: God knows that until we deal with our own brokenness and sin, and our style of relating, we aren't going to be happy. A popular view in the world today is the "happiness view", meaning that we think we are here for OUR happiness and therefore others had better make us happy.

:: Opposites attract...our mutual brokenness and different styles of relating often are the things that draw us together. God lures us into marriage with lust and feelings, and then he uses our differences to transform us. God pairs you with someone who is going to challenge your way of handling life so that he can create something new in you.

Hmmmm....

What do you make of that? What do you make of God pairing us each up with the one person who is going to challenge the very system we've created for dealing with life? Because God wants that system challenged and wants you to transform? Because God wants a transformation in you that will only come from being paired with this person, that you will only become who you are meant to be through marriage to this one person?

It's kind of mind boggling.

We all have little quirks and oddities that annoy people...that especially annoy our spouse, who we live in such close contact with. I don't believe those are the things the author is talking about. Those are just things that we need to let slide, like the fact that someone pops their nuckles or hums all day or steals the covers every night. Those things are minor in the grand scheme of things, and our compassion and love for our spouse should overcome those things.

I've been giving this some thought, trying to notice how exactly Chris and I are opposite in our ways of relating, of dealing with the world. It really surprised me, actually. The more I thought about it, the more I was able to come up with.

:: I prefer to be on time; Chris is always late.
:: I prefer things neat and orderly; Chris prefers things clean.
:: I see things as black and white; Chris sees a lot of gray.
:: I am a stickler for the rules; Chris is all for bending the rules.
:: I prefer consistency; Chris prefers spontaneous acts.
:: I live for routine; Chris gets bored if things are always the same.
:: I love to plan; Chris thinks of the here and now.
:: I embrace relaxation and down time; Chris prefers to be busy.
:: I am not competitive at all; Chris is extremely competitive.
:: I prefer to go to bed early; Chris prefers to stay up late.
:: I am happy with what I have; Chris dreams of bigger and better.
:: I make quick decisions; Chris thinks of all options extensively.
:: I am very loud; Chris is very quiet.

Maybe you are getting the idea?

Give this some thought. Compare yourself and your spouse. How do you relate to the world? How does your spouse differ in his approach? Your way has worked for you all these years. His way has worked for him. Each way of relating has gotten you each this far in life, it can't be bad right? But God doesn't want you to stick to your way. Or him to his way. He wants you to challenge each other, grow, develop a new system together that will transform you each.

WOW.

All those things you may have trouble dealing with in your spouse...God has placed them in your life for a reason. Not to annoy you. Not for you to throw up your hands and give up because it is so different from your way. God has given you this person as the greatest gift. He has given you this particular person because he so perfectly contradicts you in so many ways.

Remember: the number one thing that gets in the way IS your way.

Embrace transformation. Allow the concept into your life. Allow your spouse to help you become the person you are meant to be. And return the gift to him. Together, create a new style of relating to the world.